Saturday's Rant(s) -- May 9, 2009

Welcome to my Saturday rant. And today, my constituents and I have been looking at Tru TV's schedule (read the last blog entry) and tonight, we're watching The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest Drivers 9. I love "World's Dumbest" b/c not only the people are dumb, but the commentary makes the show a lot funnier than it is (what I like), so...

Constituent #1: We have a fair share of dumb drivers.

Me: Yes, but we have more idiots driving in Florida than ever. In Florida, everybody thinks everybody is an idiot.

Constituent #2: I think California does that too.

Me: No, Californians sit in traffic. New Yorkers flip each other off. Texans keep guns in their cars, boats, RVs, whatever, and Floridians call each other idiots.

Back to the blog: So, the show makes me smarter.

Constituent #2: You are already smart.

Me: Yeah, I know that.

Back to the blog: Also on tonight, it's the Cleveland Cavaliers @ Atlanta Hawks. The Cavaliers (I call them Team Lebron) are the only undefeated NBA franchise in the post season. The Detroit Pistons (I call them Not 0-16) couldn't beat them (and thus became the NBA's version of the Detroit Lions. Why is it that the only decent team in Detroit are the Red Hawks)? Anyway, how is it possible that the Atlanta Hawks (I call them CNN's NBA hometeam) would beat them?

Constituents #1: Yeah, and you can bet that either the Orlando Magic or the Boston Celtics might beat them.

Me: Yeah, right. The Pistons knocked out the Magic twice from the Playoffs, so I'm glad we ain't got the Pistons. However, if the Magic knock out the Celtics (reigning champs) and the Cavs knock out the Hawks, we're in trouble. So you got four choices, it's either Cavs/Magic, Cavs/Celtics, Magic/Hawks, or Celtics/Hawks. In the west, it's either Lakers/Nuggets, Lakers/Mavs, Rockets/Nuggets, or Rockets/Mavs.

Constituent #2: I know someone who is a die-hard Spurs fan, and when Dallas eliminated them, he went for the Nuggets.

Me: And the Denver Nuggets are 2-0 against Dallas. He's probably happy. He'll be like "That's what you get for knocking out my Spurs!"

Constituent #1: And I'm still pissed that the New York Knicks didn't make the playoffs.

Me: Anyway, the Magic are 2-1 against the Celtics. A 23-point difference.

Constituent #2: Game 4's tomorrow, right?

Me: Yes, game 4 is tomorrow.

Back to the blog: I'm still not drinking the scorpion/snake juice stuff.

Constituent #1: I heard it tastes good.

Me: You must've been to Laos.

Constituent #2: Look at you. You guys are still on it.

Me: Yeah, like you're still on Fred Pleitgen's "Too Tall" BackStory a month after it aired.

Constituent #1: Hey, it made it to the weekend "Best Of"

Me: Yes, and I saw it, like 7 times.

Constituent #2: Some building imploded in Orlando today.

Me: It's like every effing Saturday a building somewhere in the country implodes. This week, it's our turn.

Constituent #1: What was it, some hotel?

Constituent #2: Colony Plaza, to be exact. Condemned in 2001. Finally imploded. It's a real treat.

Me: That s*** woke me up. Anyway, I got nothing more to say. I'm outta here.

Constituent #2: Let's go to that burger joint...

Conversations You Will Never Hear From Ordinary People

Constituent #1: Did anyone watch BackStory last night?

Me: I think she did.

Constituent #2: Yes, I did. We all did, actually, and I loved the grasshopper taste test.

Me: Really? I dare you to try out that scorpion/snake juice.

Constituent #2: What? No.

Constituent #1: I would try it.

Me: I'm not going to.

Constituent #2: And you dared me to? C'mon, Dez, a snake/scorpion drink mix? Where can we find that in the US?

Me: It's not in the US. Seems to me like Laos is creepier than I thought, but I digress.

Constituent #1: You said it to every country you can think of. Indonesia's creepy. India's creepy. Malaysia's creepy. Iraq...

Me: Shut up, bonehead. I'm trying to look at Tru TV's schedule for today.

Constituent #2: Oh, look at that. 6 hours of Forensic Files, 3 hours of Speeders, one hour of World's Dumbest, an hour of police chases, 2 hours of Forensic Files...

Me: Alright. First off, I only watch Speeders on Thursdays, and I love World's Dumbest, okay, because it is so funny to watch.

Constituent #1: Yeah, especially after seeing almost every episode of the show. It's like that one guy here that tried to rob a convienient store with a palm frong.

Constituent #2: (holding a palm frong on her head) 50 dollar! Gimme 50 dollar!

Me: It's 50 dollars. Plural.

Constituent #2: Yeah, I knew that.

Constituent #1: Actually, it's Drivers 9.

Me: And you know what that means... Helio is back.

Constituent #2: Helio? Isn't that a Virgin Mobile phone?

Me: Yes. And a phone doesn't comment on people driving, kay?

Constituent #1: Is that the one that has the "Valiant and Doofus" segment?

Me: I thought that was on Criminals 12. I was waiting for that, and instead, I got the "what happens next" segment. Which is really cool.

Constituent #2: I'm afraid we'll have to rename it from Saturday's rant to Commentary for the rest of us.

Me: I'm not even typing today's rant yet, but I guess this will take place.

Constituent #1: Commentary for the rest of us? I propose a weeklong "WTF" series.

Me: Man, both of you are high on sugar this morning.

Constituent #2: What? I haven't got my soda yet.

Me: And I'm okay without it.

Constituent #1: No, let's name this one "Conversations you will never hear from ordinary people"

Me: Hello?

Constituent #2: Dez, I think you lost.

Me: Lost what? I'm still not drinking that scorpion/snake juice stuff.

Constituent #1: Alright, let's get out of here before people say something.